A fugitive people within a nation is tyranny.

Posts tagged ‘home’

The Homeless Dads: The Bad Deal Divorce

John McElhenney still tries to see the balance in his divorce decree. But after losing everything twice, he’s convinced we men need to fight for equal consideration after the marriage has ended.

empty-pockets-robbed-court-orderThe typical divorce is actually pretty painful. The standard DEAL is almost an assault to fatherhood, and we need to fight to change it. In the most common arrangement, Mom gets the kids and house, dad gets the child support payment. It’s how things used to work. But today, unfortunately, the courts still go by this structure unless there is significant fight to something difference.

There are a few problems with this pattern.

chronic-stressThe non-custodial parent is assumed to be a deadbeat when they are calling the AG’s office. You are segmented into custodial or non-custodial parent at the beginning. If you are the non-custodial parent the only reason you’d be calling is you are behind on your child support.

When we complain about unavailable dads, or dads that check-out after divorce, here are a few of the reasons why.

  1. The child support burden is a lot of money.
  2. Dads might be resentful of the “money only” role they are being put in.
  3. When dad is asked to leave the marital home they are often forced to move in with family members or friends, this is largely because of the cost of child support.
  4. In addition to $500+ per kid in child support (estimate) the dad is also asked to pay for health insurance. (Today, in my case this is an additional $1,200 per month with two kids.

burning the constitutionSo let’s see, I’ve got no home. I’m paying $1,200 a month for child support and $1,200 a month for health care. How can I afford an apartment? If I don’t have a killer job ($2,400 after tax expenses before I get a dollar for myself or my survival. Well, that’s a pretty steep hill to climb.

IF the playing field were equal, I would guess a lot more divorces would be negotiated in good faith. Today, even if you declare a collaborative divorce, the issue of money is liable to strike the dad in the pocketbook in a way the mom, to start out with, does not even have to consider. RARE is the case where the dad is given full custody and the mom pays child support.

Shouldn’t we start with 50/50 in both financial responsibility AND parenting time? This is the fight we are fighting in the courts today. I’m considering going back to court to reset the arrangement. I was attempting a collaborative divorce, but in the end I was handed this lopsided deal. I have to earn over $3,000 per month (taking taxes out BEFORE I pay the mom) before I have a chance at even putting food on the table.

baby moneyThis leaves a lot of dads as deadbeats, not because they are actually trying to shirk their responsibility, but because the mom and the court have saddled them up with so much financial liability that they cannot afford to make the payments each month. At that point the dad is subject to financial liens, foreclosure, and checking account freezes.

You know what happens when the AG’s office freezes your account?

  1. The bank charges you $57 – $150 for the freeze.
  2. The bank processes no further payments (rent, car payments, even your child support payments)
  3. You bounce checks.
  4. You’re credit get’s screwed.
  5. You end up with an additional $200 – $400 in fees.

And you know what the AG’s officer will tell you? (The Humans Of Divorce, Dear AG’s Office Special Cases Officer Mr. McK!)

indigent in AmericaFair treatment of fathers begins at the beginning of the relationship. BEFORE you have kids, you can agree to parent 50/50. If that’s the deal, you should have the discussion about if things don’t work out. (I’m not talking prenuptial, just an understanding) In my marriage we started out 50/50, but as soon as she decided she wanted a divorce (yes, it was her idea) the arrangement went to the cutting floor and I was handed the dad deal. A bad deal for everyone.

As the dad can’t afford a nice place for the kids to come visit, they want to come visit less. As mom’s house maintains some of its status and comfort (important for the kids) the dad is left in the cold to fend for himself AFTER he makes all the payments to help the mom stay in the house and live within the lifestyle the couple achieved TOGETHER. Except now it’s not together. And the cooperation you started with before you had kids, becomes a longterm ground war between “the money you owe me” and the money you can afford to pay without suing your ex.

Dad’s are just as important as moms. Even with young kids, the loss of either parent (my dad left when I was 5) is on of the most painful aspects of divorce. For the dad it is doubly devastating: the no longer have a house, and the courts and the AG’s office have now put their credit at risk, making employment and ability to pay even more difficult.

Consider the dads. If you’re a dad consider the courts and get an attorney who can show  you examples of winning in court for fair arrangements.

captiveThe money after divorce should be divided equally. Anything else puts man men at risk for debit issues, credit issues, and put them at risk of suicide and depression. Let’s put the balance back in divorce. Give both parents the benefit of the doubt. And both parents should be advocating for a 50/50 split in the same spirit they entered parenthood, with expectations of a 50/50 partnership. That partnership doesn’t end at divorce. But if we load up the man with all of the financial obligations and punish him for being late on a payment or two, we are hurting all the members of the family. The mom loses when the dad’s account is frozen. Even if the mom didn’t want it to happen. Once you’ve asked the AG’s office into your divorce, they never leave. (Inviting the Dinosaur Into Your Divorce)

We need fair divorce laws. We need courts that will listen to the needs of both parents and consider 50/50 parenting as the desired outcome. Until we stand up and fight for equality AFTER marriage we will continue to be on the losing side of the post-marriage equation.

original article
Advertisements

Know Your Rights & Flex Them

You risk losing your legal rights when you don’t use them. Know when you shouldn’t consent. When ticketed and when signing, place “without prejudice” above your signature and after your name “U/D” for under duress. If you’re pulled over, chances are you are under duress, because you will be compelled or threatened in some way. In this way, you can take some additional measures to protect yourself legally.

When pulled over in traffic always be calm and cool. Check your ego and avoid digging a hole for yourself.

Per the 4th Amendment you are protected against unreasonable search and seizure. Per the 5th Amendment a person cannot be compelled to be a witness against himself. The best way to do this is to keep your mouth shut. You have the right to remain silent, whether that makes you feel better at that moment or not. The 6th Amendment states that you have the right to counsel for your defense. It’s up to you to make smart choices.

The police may make false promises to you. Don’t let them fool you into waiving your rights. (Don’t you see this on cop shows? It happens all the time.) Your refusal to allow a search is not evidence of guilt and doesn’t give the officer legal right to search or detain you. Before an arrest, you may terminate your encounter at any time. Ask if you are free to go. “Officer, are you detaining me or am I free to go?” Avoiding a search may be best since you don’t what a previous owner may have left in your car. You also avoid waiving damage to your property.

You have the right to refuse. “I don’t consent to searches.” In fact, you have legal advantages to refusing a search. If you are searched without consent, your lawyer can challenge this. Remember that police must have evidence or clear cause that you are involved in criminal activity. Being tricked into consent is how most people lose their rights.

Don’t expose yourself by acting irresponsibly or being a public nuisance. However, living in a low-income community doesn’t waive your rights. Don’t give them probable cause or create suspicion. They can pat you down to see if you are armed. You aren’t required to empty your pockets as this is waiving your right against a search without cause. You aren’t required to consent. “Officer, I’m not resisting, but I don’t consent to searches.” Don’t physically resist. If you are cuffed and threatened with arrest or police try to get you to admit to any activity you are not involved in, you can say: “I’m going to remain silent. I’d like to see a lawyer.” When you are under arrest or being interrogated, these words are your best protection. Keep your mouth shut. You can’t expect to talk your way out of a police interrogation. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court. Don’t sign anything without a lawyer except a promise to appear in court.

Carrying an ID is only required by statute when driving. Otherwise, some states may require you to give your name. Police need reasonable suspicion to detain you. Simply ask if they are detaining you and if you’re free to go. If they don’t physically detain you, you are free to go. However, withholding your identity often leads to a detention or an arrest. If your goal is to quickly get on your way, then identifying yourself may be your best option. If you are willing to go to court, you can deny frequent ID requests.

Fighting against police misconduct is never easy, but it’s easier when you know your rights and act appropriately. You can file a legitimate complaint. If an officer has too many, he can removed from the streets. However, you will likely do yourself harm by threatening a complaint, so don’t make this mistake.

During any encounter pay close attention to details and events. Remember as much as you can about the officers: what they look like and names. Remember exactly what the officers said. If anyone witnessed the event, get with them about their recollection. Use whatever device you have to collect your thoughts and information. The longer you wait, the more you will forget. If you are injured by a police encounter, have photos made when you are at your worst and as soon as possible. Collect records for any medical treatment.

If officers knock at your door, do not consent to let them enter. You may ask if they have a warrant while keeping your door chain on. Their entrance may be a way to get you to consent to search your property. The 4th Amendment requires police to obtain a search warrant signed by a judge to search your home. Unless a serious emergency exists, police cannot enter your home without a search warrant. They don’t need a warrant if you invite them in. If you must talk with an officer, take your keys, lock your door and talk to them on the porch or sidewalk.

If police come to your door and you don’t need their help, you can simply decline to open the door, removing yourself to a more private place in the interior of your home.

Blackmail &Narcissism: The Bad Economy & Steamy Affairs

by E.J. Manning

the mirror of narcissismYou might think that the divorce rate would spike during a recession but in fact, it’s been pretty consistent around 50% for the past five years. During good times and tough times strained marriages crack. Some try to hold on until they just can’t hold on any longer. For many, bad economies are good times for the cheating business and other freaky stuff unsatisfied narcissists do to survive. In psychology, narcissistic personality disorder is classed as a mental illness characterized by a lack of empathy, a willingness to exploit others and an inflated sense of self-importance. “Narcissism” is a widely-used term for a range of selfish behaviors, and so it is.

The number of divorces briefly dropped from 35 to 40 percent for about six months during the recession as some lovers tried to hang on, but then shot up to 60 to 65 percent for the next six months as they caved under the weight of the added financial stress that came with the recession. Since the spring of 2010, as the economy has shown signs of recovery and then faltered again, that number has remained consistent at around 50%. Apparently, millions have come to understand that the plight of the economy is the new normal, and their new form of behavior is a symptom of that.

The home used to be a couple’s biggest asset. That is no longer the case in the new economy. More Americans are losing their homes, either in foreclosure or in selling short. Property settlements is what has changed. With new bank rules in America, six to 18 months is the norm for a bank to foreclose on a property when that process used to take place within six months.  Some couples are getting creative. One spouse stays in the home through the foreclosure process without a mortgage payment. That way, the other partner has more money for spousal and child support, what can amount to little less than blackmail.

“Nesting” is another option for dysfunctional families. The family manages to keep the house as the kids live there full time. Divorced parents take turns living there based on when it’s their turn with the kids. They might stay with friends during times when the custody changes, moving into a shared apartment or a hotel room. They aren’t doing it for the kids, the are doing it with the hope of creating value or sustaining their asset. Of course, for the devious, blackmail is a common ploy to get what you think you want one way or the other.

In early 2009, about four months into the official economic meltdown, evidence has increased to show that affairs online are the new normal for narcissists. Online dating has exploded in Michigan, Arizona and Nevada, states where the housing market has been hit hardest by the economic meltdown. The excuse is that they want to feel better about themselves. Online dating services are in growth mode. Who wants to pay $40k for divorce when you can pay $49 for an affair with a most certain result, reasons the narcissist. It’s pay as you play, and with the right service, there is no evidence to blackmail the narcissist. The likes of Tiger Woods living in the same way simply encourages the narcissist to agree that “everyone” has affairs.

What does this have to do with family or the interest of the children, except that kids aren’t living on the streets? Absolutely nothing, except to lower family life in America, the land of the free and home of the brave, to a new low… based wholly on money and self-centered behavior, while pretending to do it for the kids. Arguably, the entire nation is victim to a state-sanctioned behavioral disorder.

Creative Commons License
Blackmail & Narcissism: The Bad Economy & Steamy Affairs by E.J. Manning is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://bradleyamendment.wordpress.com.

Tag Cloud